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Sir Minty Moonbeams' 19th Annual Smoke ‘N Mirrors
By Mal Content
Yesterday it was Sir Minty Moonbeams' 19th Annual Smoke ‘N Mirrors Meeting at Snake Mountain and Timdom will be astonished to learn it was yet another triumph of soundbite over substance and dodginess over fact. The Laptop Loyal are not liable to investigate too thoroughly.
Sir David Charlatan assured his Loyal Friends Of Hunnery that, contrary to informed opinion, he was not pimping Bung FC like a ten dollar whore. But he admitted to having been on the dance floor with “two or three people” none of whom have met Sir Dodgy Dave's impeccable standards of cleanliness, hygiene and of course unimpeachable honesty and integrity.
Sir Minty Moonbeams belched: “Over the last year two or three people have spoken to me about buying the club and we did have one particular group which came very near. I have to watch what I say because we are a PLC, but I wasn't happy it was at the right moment for the club.”
Sir Minty wink-winked: “I have no wish for a quick exit and I don't think you can honestly say that my behaviour over the last couple of months is of a man who is looking for an exit strategy.”
This probably translates that Sir Minty Moonbeams would be slaloming down the marbled staircase towards the exit faster than Sebo's abandoning of the Monster Munch Revolution if Al Qaeda had the funds to buy Bung FC.
Sir Minty revealed: “Running a football team is not for widows and orphans. It is a heavy investment and I reiterate that I would only sell to someone I believe genuinely has the best intentions. Someone who would not look to strip out the club, take out the assets, sell the land, sell the best players, do a sale or lease-back with the ground or sell the training ground.”
Prejudiced against “widows and orphans” also, eh Sir Minty?
As for the buyer's credentials as not being an asset-striper, perhaps Sir Dodgy Dave shouldn't sell Bung FC to himself?
Creative accounting? Oh yes. Sir Minty is famous for it.
He played with his abacus: “When Walter came back in January he asked what the budget would be for the summer. We believed that the amount required was £6million or £7million. We had already spent a few million on Kevin Thomson and David Weir. Although he came free, there were agents' and signing-on fees etc.”
There we go again. Sir Minty factoring in the add-ons, which was something that never happened when he “almost ruined” Snake Mountain financially. Those were the old days, of course, when religious bigotry was to be encouraged at Bigots FC and not covered up as it is now.
Sir Minty Moonbeams' arithmetic on transfer spending just does not add up: “We spent £12.9million and we brought in just over £2million. So we have spent over £10million on the team and that was over the budget.”
I have tried repeatedly to get the Huns' summer spend to £12.9million, even £10million, and I just cannae dae it. Then again, I am not privy to the add-ons – agents fees, bungs, signing on fees, brown envelopes, villas in Provence, boxes of Monster Munch, private plane hiring, etc, etc.
Little wonder though that Sir Minty Moonbeams and Corruption FC are being investigated by the Fraud Squad for corruption, which meant the Death Star was raided by the City of London Police.
But Sir Minty Moonbeams is confident Bung FC will not be found guilty of corruption.
He wriggled and smarmed: “There is no doubt that the police inquiry has been a slur on the club. But I can assure you I am not in the practice of getting involved in money going elsewhere. We have had it audited and it is clean.”
Hoad oan a minute. Is that a confession? The money is “audited and it is clean”? Not another Scottish club laundering money surely?
But, THE most significant admission from Sir Minty is the “overspend”. In short, if Bung FC fail again this season, they are seriously f*cked. C'mon the Red Star Belgrade.
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